How to write the Great American Novel

From Uncyclopedia

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. ...yeah. I know.


How Great?

There are some people out there who will say that the Great American Novel has already been written. I say to thee: NOT TRUE, and NOT TRUE do I say to thee. No book has ever been great enough to be as great as the Great American Novel has to be: In fact, no book can be. Or, at least, no book written by people who aren't Jesus. How does it feel to fail before you even tried? How does it feel to fail in front of Lady Liberty?

It has to bring tears to the eyes. It has to make readers and critics burst into tears. It has to be sad enough to make soldiers throw down their guns in disgust (but pick them up again, of course). It has to be sweeping in its depressive qualities. Good lord, it has to be sad. Oh, oh Jesus. It has to include a powerful, but broken, old man who's retarded son-- no, no wait-- retarded family has to etch a living out of the cruel soil of Kansas-- no, no wait-- Oklahoma.

It has to be inspiring. If we, the public, just wanted a sad book we could burgle the local emo kid's house again. We don't want to do that: there's weird stuff in there. Instead, make the family eventually overcome every struggle put in their way. Like that weird patriotic Emo music that kid makes the lyrics to in his diary, the Great American Novel has to be heroic and crushing at the same time. It may sound impossible now, but just wait till you're writing it: you'll claw your friggin' eyes out. You make me sick.

Make sure that the characters say something patriotic at the end of the book. Oh, oh, make the main character holding an American flag and looking at the sunset at the end! that'll make those poor morons down in Kansas drool. He (of course the main character is a "he") should say something proud and impressive.

"Mary Mae," Louis said, sweat on his brow and blood on his American Flag lapel-pin, "I think we may have made it." Louis looked off in the distance toward the horizon and the distance, respectively. Louis's knuckles were white as he clenched his NRA-approved shotgun-slash-American-flag and looked into the distance, hoping to see something inspiring. "Through all our harrowing adventures, we may just have made it." Louis grabbed even more strongly to the thick, long, manly pole of the American Flag and began speaking again in his thick Kansan accent, "We may have made it."    

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