WASHINGTON -- The widow of the housefly murdered by Barack Obama during a recent CNBC television interview announced this morning that she would be filing a wrongful death suit against the President in federal district court. The plaintiff brief -- citing pain, suffering and loss of income -- seeks a formal apology and compensatory damages, including an unspecified quantity of shit.
"Bob was a wonderful husband and provider," said the widow, Mrs. Vivian Vvzzvzwwzzz, wiping tears from her compound eyes. "Even though he was always busy at the Rose Garden turd pile, he always flew home in time to tuck in our maggots."
The 17-day old widow said the grieving process since the murder has taken its toll.
"Although it's been nearly 48 hours, I still get an empty feeling in my thorax everytime I think about it," she said. "I feel like I've aged an entire week. Mating season is over, and here I am, stuck trying to raise 532 larvae on my own."
Vvzzvzwwzzz described the "abdomen-wrenching horror" she experienced while watching the President casually assassinate her husband during the live broadcast.
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University of Tennessee law professor Glenn Reynolds said Vvzzvzwwzzz v. Obama is likely to raise several thorny constitutional issues.
"The courts have a lot of questions to sort out here," he said. "For example, can a sitting president be forced to testify in a civil suit? Can he give himself immunity? How does this effect the rights of cooties and crab lice? Also, just how completely batshit insane is PETA?"
Despite the prospect of facing a challenge from the President's formidable legal team, Vvzzvzwwzzz said she was prepared to pursue it all the way to the Supreme Court.
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