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Monday, October 18, 2010
Elvis Seance: Kerry Thornley's Erisian Mysteries
This is one of the Erisian Mysteries revealed to Sondra London by Kerry Thornley in 1997.
The text is:
Performance of the Elvis Seance requires one Elvis Presley impersonator and five gullible Discordians. Since he or she doesn't have to even be a GOOD impersonator, the real problem will be finding the gullible Discordians. We Discordians are not known for our gullibility. For example, we don't believe Elvis is still alive, as do many infidels.
"Dead and rotten but not forgotten," is not only our slogan on the Elvis question, it is the mantra for the Elvis Seance, which will be revealed in the ripening of time [three paragraphs below].
We, however, believe Elvis will rise from the dead and help Bob "J.R." Dobbs and The Fightin' Jesus destroy the Trilateral Commission on Judgment Day.
Moreover, every Discordian, without exception, must have a photograph of Elvis in Army uniform, as a reminder that no man is above the law; and for that reason, if no other, the law should be abolished.
Now for the seance.
One. All Discordians present lay hands on the head of the Elvis impersonator.
Two. Begin chanting "Dead and rotten but not forgotten," over & over until it gets boring.
Keep chanting "Dead and rotten but not forgotten," after it gets boring.
At some point the Elvis impersonator will fall on the floor and start jerking, twitching, convulsing. When the impersonator begins singing, "All Shook Up," know that the departed spirit of Elvis is among you.
If you went to all this trouble without preparing a list of questions, and you have Elvis rolling at your feet, and you cannot think of anything to say, don't ask for his autograph either, because he will be in no condition to sign anything.
Alright ... we got a little bit carried away. Now we have a dead elvis impersonator. Will the same ritual work to communicate with him, now that he's with Elvis?
ReplyDeleteLittle known fact: This will also work with Steve Irwin, Julius Caesar (be sure to prepare questions in Latin), and punk music.
ReplyDeleteWe tried this, but we couldn't find an Elvis impersonator so we used a velvet Elvis painting I found at the thrift store. They wanted $75 for it, which I thought was a bit steep, but it seems like it was probably worth it because the five homeless guys I paid to say they were Discordians really liked it. Also the verification word is "Miscones", so obviously I'm doing something right.
ReplyDeleteWould be interesting to try a variant with Andy Kaufman. Maybe you could channel Elvis through Kaufman through the Kaufman channeler, in some kind of meta-seance.
ReplyDeleteI never got around to getting my photo of military elvis. I had the doll, just not the photo.
ReplyDeleteBoy was he pissed.
I was doing so very, very well until it came time to lay hands and chant. Instead of placing them on his head and repeating "Dead and rotten but not forgotten," I accidentally turkey cursed him.
ReplyDeleteBlood. So much blood.
Never again.
The invocation of Andy Warhol proved considerably cheaper, if only slightly more delicious.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't convince the Elvis impersonator he wasn't going to get laid for helping us out.
ReplyDeleteFor future reference, this seance doesn't work if you knock the impersonator unconscious before hand.
I tried again, even got new pictures of military!Elvis off e-bay in case the first batch had somehow been contaminated by unconscious!Elvis's vomiting up the sleeping pills and booze we slipped him.
Also for future reference, laminate the photos of military!Elvis so they can be wiped off if they are in the 'splash zone'.
Another good note would be to make sure you're current on your tetanus shots and such, because when the impersonator is done rolling around on the floor after being possessed and all . . . he might bite you and apparently possessed people have really dirty mouths.
But I did confirm the exact recipe for the 'Fool's Gold Loaf' so all in all, I think this turned out well, despite the extra hassle.