According to my supervisor, there are no such things as portals

The latest hillarious e-mail exchange from David Thorne:

Usually when I get a bill, I put it on top of the fridge figuring that if it isn't red then it isn't interesting enough to be opened. Other times, I grab the mail on my way out and open it while waiting at traffic lights - as was the case with this electricity bill for $766.05. It is not the largest bill I have ever received but it was enough to make me do one of those double takes like you see in cartoons and break out in a sweat.

My first thought was to move and change my name...

...Update: Received a revised account for the amount of $247.34

[ ... ]

From: Allison Hayes
Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 3.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Ref. 28941739

Hello David

The amount of $766.05 is calculated from the meter reading. While I understand your frustration with the automated phone system, we are not able to deal with account enquiries via email and according to my supervisor there are no such things as portals so I've no idea why you are sending me pictures of them.

Sincerely, Allison Hayes


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 4.05pm
To: Allison Hayes
Subject: Snap

Hello Allison,
I am not questioning the calculation, I am questioning the number the calculation is based on. If you accepted cows as payment and I owned two cows worth forty dollars each but counted them incorrectly, lost one in a dark forest and sent you the remaining twenty, would you come out thirty three dollars and ninety five cents ahead and call it a perk or have one cow?

Perks are actually one of the only reasons I still bother to turn up for work. While my co-workers are in meetings discussing why the business is going bankrupt, I put office supplies in the boot of my car.

As every meter reading for the last two years at this address has been under two hundred dollars, rather than pay you $766.05, I would prefer to spend that amount on thirty eight pizzas, ensuring sufficient fat reserves to survive having the heat turned off, or have my apartment lined with polyester socks and wear a suit made out of carpet - possibly generating enough power to start my own grid company. I would then construct a number, calculate an amount based on this and send out accounts stating that the amount is based on a number and is therefore mathematically correct. If anyone questioned the basis of the number the amount is calculated from, I would simply declare "I have the power" and point out the scientific implausibility of their experiments, forcing them to investigate other, more viable, designs.

Regards, David.

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